The Fear

The Fear

By Becca Hayne

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear
Cause I'm being taken over by the fear

In times of strife, I tend to go back to Lily Allens 2008 song "The Fear" for emotive guidance.

Particularly the chorus...

For the 2nd ever game the St Kilda team plays in AFLW (away in Adelaide), resplendent in a very smart away jumper, I've been taken over the fear.

Last week was a whirlwind of emotions - our first goal, Moorabbin, belonging, being printed on the Saints website...

Why did they edit out the reference to that Oasis song being lumpen?

....I digress....

As the Saints run out to face the reigning Premiers, familiar sporting fears have taken over - what if we're terrible?

Do we kick a low score and end up being the Superfooty comments section whipping side of the week?

How will Kate McCarthy play?

#kateisgreat

Will Georgia Patrikios continue to shine? Will Caitlyn Greiser get her positioning right this week? Will Jess Sedunary shove someone again for my amusement?

It's so strange that after just one game, our girls and their personalities are starting to shine through, and the connections are becoming tangible....

"YOU HAVE TO HOLD THAT ONE CAITLYN!" will soon ring out through out a New Orleans living room, footy in hand, bouncing it off a wall.......

Plus, we're playing in the death slot (OK, that's an AFLM thing) of "last game in the round", which means an eternity wading through everyone elses games to get to yours.

The theme of the round is spite, or at least a sense that our little league is growing up and we can finally allow our players to value competition and winning....

Stacey Livingstone has called Tayla Harris "useless", the Libby Birch Cup was won and lost on Friday night, and Dana Hooker copped some hits in the Derby.....

So make no mistake, if last week was about pride, this is one I WANT to win.....

Much as I normally hate tying AFLM history into AFLW rivalries, for older Sainters (it was thankfully before my time) Adelaide = 1997 = another horrible missed Saints opportunity, maybe the most painful of the lot.

I've got my focus on Courtney Gum, because she left the Giants, and the golden balloon of retirement meant nothing.....

AFLW is creating it's own rivalries before our eyes, and I lock my beady eyes onto Gum as she runs out, and let out a satisfying sneer....

It's Season four, and it is indeed on.......

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The Adelaide Crows may be reigning AFLW Premiers, but they have several key injuries, and are like ourselves 0-1 going into this game.

And they promptly kick 0.0 in the first quarter.....

Forget the miracle on ice, we're walking on water....

With one minute and change left in the first quarter, an errant (is the word errant only ever used to describe sporting turnovers?) kick backwards from Nicole Campbell is intercepted by Kate McCarthy (HEY I KNOW HER!) for a goal, the only goal of the 1st term...

We lead 7-0.......

It couldn't happen could it?

Sport is such a truly strange mix of emotions, I've never once supported a dynastic team, a sort of Patriots or Warriors team who yawn and stretch through regular season games.

Jess Sedunary puts us 13-0 up......

And there's the fear...

Let me explain something at this point.....

The day before this game, Kate Surman of the Gold Coast Suns spoke about "mate I'm stoked!" when Gold Coast won their first game.

Aside from my love of getting the word "stoked" in random New Orleans conversations, I've become obsessive about the joys of the AFLW club song.

Part of it comes from the Giants, and my absolute love of Fridge or Delma Gisu dancing for the song, something tribal about seeing such badass women sing the song ON the ground in total joy......

I realise my sporting dream for right now isn't a Superbowl, or a World Cup, or anything like that...

Right here, right now, my #1 sporting dream is to hear the AFLW St Kilda team sing the song on the ground

"Stoked" indeed

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Sport is very, very intense

I have no time for people who say things like "it's only a game" or "it's just random people kicking a ball around!"

Those people are soulless

We kick a goal in this game that is as uplifting a goal as St Kilda have kicked, in any gender, Xenos, Patrikios, Xenos, Patrikios....one twos, running, decision making, then a long kick to Greiser who marks and goals......

It's happening, it's really happening......

That song, that sweet sweet song......

It doesn't happen

It's wrenched away in the time it takes to say "How is Tarni White 19? What was I doing with my life at 19?"

Patrikios has a shot on goal, it seemingly sails through to put us 11 points up, and she celebrates her brilliant heart out......

But it's a point, called touched on the line....just....Fox Footys fuzzy camera proving nothing....

The Crows, a key shot at goal, given a point......

I know it was the Dogs, but talk about shades of 97

We're winning 26-20....

With our defence holding on grimly to a 6 point lead, Clara Fitzpatrick is KOed being crazy Riewoldt vs the Swans levels of brave - it's a mark surely? Nope, not paid.....

Stevie Lee Thompson (a country and western singer name if ever heard) ducks her way into a high free (well this is a biased report) and her kick to the top of the square is marked by Gould, who goals......

Literally a minute later, Newman puts the Crows in front......

My Dad a long time ago told me I could never turn off a game I'd started watching, but this is as close as I've ever got to turning the laptop off......it's agony, it's pins and needles.....it's literally unfair....

This beautiful moment wrenched away

Rather irrelevantly for the poetry of the moment, the score goes from 6, to 7, to 13 point leads for the Crows, and Courtney Gum even throws in a one handed work

Stupid Courtney Gum, being all......good and inspirational and stuff........

We've lost......

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I'm never sure how to feel about "a brave loss"

A mere one week ago, no St Kilda team had ever played an AFLW game, not a single goal had been kicked, not a mark taken, not a tear shed seeing our jumper on a football field

Now, two games in, we're 0-2 and it hurts, like a proper sports team....

I plough through several platitudes and messages of "but your future is so bright!"

Yes, it is.....the plan is there, the pride is there, the platform for an amazing St Kilda future is there.....

Did I mention Tarni White is somehow 19?

What isn't there is that song, that sweet sweet song, belted out on the ground by heroes I didn't know just two short games ago.......

When will it come......will it come.......I log off the laptop, sigh, and dip sadly in a bucket of Maltesers, resigned to the patient loyalty of the "fan".....

No dynastic joy today......just that bloody Crows song fading out.........

Or was it Lily Allen........

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear
'Cause I'm being taken over by the fear